From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
