Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Randomize
