I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
