You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
