On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
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