Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize