Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
