You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
