have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
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