Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
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