Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
