Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
So. Much. Porn.
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