I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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