i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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