remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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