I need a man. I think Im going to put myself on Craigs list since they caught the killer and all.
Do it and if you add naked pictures youll get an instant reply
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
