I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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