my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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