ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize