wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
ok first of all what the fuck
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
