he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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