i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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