I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
