If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
