Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
