We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
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