you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
