My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
