Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
