I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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