so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
