We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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