whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
