I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
