Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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