I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I am spending my child support on dildos
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
