dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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