I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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