i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
