I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
