omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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