mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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