Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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