I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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