I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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