She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
