My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
