His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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