Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
