Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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