and next time when you feel me up, do it right
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
