I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
