i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Randomize
