Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
