So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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