if you like me you must not know who I am
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
