Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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