well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Let's get the cat blown out
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
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