This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
