I cannot find my penis.
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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