I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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