last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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