is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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