I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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