Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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