I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
