Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
worst night to have a conscience
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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