I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
