I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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