I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I currently don't understand fingers.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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