The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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