wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
My ass is underappreciated
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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