and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
