remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
